Happy birthday to me!

"This is the day the LORD has made; let us rejoice and be glad in it."  Psalm 118:24

Some days are easier to rejoice in than others; today is an easy one for me.  I have always enjoyed my birthday.  I love having a day that's about celebrating my very existence.  I don't think it's selfish.  In order to celebrate myself, I have to appreciate life.  To feel truly celebratory for my incarnation, I need a keen awareness of all of reality, and to choose the good despite the bad.  I am overflowing with gratitude, and it is spilling out as joy.

Today I am in a fabulous mood.   I feel loved.  I am enjoying Facebook and email greetings.  My spouse and kids have the day off, and I woke earlier and got out of the house without having to shoo anyone else along.  I am giving myself a mini-retreat at Starbucks before breakfast.  I am cozy in a purple cable-knit sweater for GLAAD spirit day.  I am thinking about but not worrying about 99% and 53% and all that jazz.  I am loving my friends and counting my blessings.  

I haven't been writing in this blog, and I think I know why.  I blog when I feel secure-- and when I have time.  If I am too busy to blog, I might be cramming too much in.  If all of my writing is happening in my journals or emails, then I must not be ready to share it with the world.  When I am feeling good enough to be authentic AND public, I can blog.  Of course, that means only certain things are shared.  I will experiment for the next month by checking in with myself about Giving what I Crave.  If I am up to posting, I will.  If not, I will consider that a gauge of my self-care and see what I can do differently.

Here's another thing: I keep wanting to control the direction of my blog when it's not meant to be a polished product.  I imagine each post as a collage element about myself and my journey, building up slowly, positioning, rearranging, gluing, and then at some point you will start to see the picture and I will be ready to disclose what Give What You Crave is all about.  The deal is, it's the other way around.  There is already a picture, I am just focusing on different bits at a time, and adding to it.  I don't need to structure it because it will structure itself.  Trying to order things has prevented me from showing you the artwork of my life.  Today I am committing to trusting in the infinite organizing power of the universe, and I am sharing today's corner of the collage with you.

A dear person in my life who is also a reader of my blog, told me my blog is different from most kinds she reads.  I like that.  I have seen all kinds of blogs so I feel like there is nothing new.  But I am increasingly aware that everyone has stories and everyone needs to tell their story.  It pleases me to tell my stories, to my family, friends, and anonymous others.  I don't need to do it in order to fabricate a sense of identity or importance, just as I don't need birthday greetings to celebrate life.  But it helps. 

I am totally in love with...

...myself.  My Self.  Life.  Love.  People.  Air.  Crickets.  Joy.  Distant shouts.  My new laptop.  Time.  Space.  Sleep.  My husband.  God (as I understand God).  Bliss.  Transcendental Meditation.  Friends.  My kids.  Words.  Ideas.  Excited gasps.  Possibilities.  Feeling.  Books.  Music.  Tutoring.  Being busy.  Green beans.  Purple beans that turn olive green when I saute them.  Turmeric.  Deep breaths.  Radio.  Spring in my step.  Letting go.  Fingers.  Song.  Now.  Tomorrow.  Again.  School.  Snuggling.  My therapist.  My Surrendered Circle.  My high school memories.  Water.  Rain.  Curls.  Paper.  Denim.  Purple.  Cell phones.  Imperfection.  Cheesecake.  Bibliotherapy.  Release.  Highlighter pens.  Tear-by-hand Scotch tape.  Tabs.  Movies.  Surprises.  My middle schooler.  Drama.  Clocks.  Skype.  Copper.  Elbows.  Sun hats.  Ballpoint pens.  Scrapbooks.  My dogs. 


I told myself if it took me more than 10 seconds between things I love to think of the next thing, I would stop.  I got lost in the happy feeling in my core for at least that long. 

Of course, it took me longer to tag than to write.  Some words that have never been tagged anywhere were getting their 15 minutes of fame.  Until I found out that I was limited to 200 characters and deleted most of them.  Another post someday, I promise.  (I'm making a promise to the words, not to you, dear Reader)

And I thought of enough more things that I am in love with that I could do it all over again, but I love self-care, so...

I am pleased that I broke my blog-silence and can contentedly put myself to bed.