One Day My Trout Bum Soul Just Opened Up

Bathroom Reading

My son (age 12) commented that a person could learn a lot about my husband and me by looking at the two books we left perched on the edge of the bathtub this past week.  The young man is ever-so-perceptive.  Even if you couldn't read English, you could judge us by our book covers: mine brightly colored, patterned, effusive, full of symbols, and drawing your eyes toward movement, and his muted but intense, earthy, quietly beautiful and amusing, slower.  When I found my husband, one family member comments that he was good to keep me "grounded," because I had my head in the clouds.  On good days, he is my anchor and keeps me safe; on bad days, I feel weighed down by him.

I said to our son, "You know, Papa's book is about his soul, too."  He thought I was taking issue with the point he had made and quickly lost interest in the subject.  I will explain to you instead, using words from each book.  I alternated and in each case opened randomly and counted down to the tenth sentence on the page.

When you give of yourself for the sake of love, the impersonal, immutable, perfect laws of the universe demand that you must be rewarded tenfold.  On the other hand, it would be a tool that was lovingly and carefully crafted by an artisan of legendary skill for the sole purpose of catching trout.  All that I do, I do for myself.  I consider this one to be a local artifact of considerable significance, and I show it off every chance I get.  You must be strong in order to be compassionate.  The band notched comfortably against the worn spot on the foot of the reel-- so it was the one.

Well, now, if you know what that meant, you know he and I belong together.  If you don't know what that meant, but you like it anyway, then you're like me, at least a little bit.    If you don't know, and don't care, you might be my husband reading my blog for the first time, and you might give me a confused hug anyway.

        

Happy birthday to me!

"This is the day the LORD has made; let us rejoice and be glad in it."  Psalm 118:24

Some days are easier to rejoice in than others; today is an easy one for me.  I have always enjoyed my birthday.  I love having a day that's about celebrating my very existence.  I don't think it's selfish.  In order to celebrate myself, I have to appreciate life.  To feel truly celebratory for my incarnation, I need a keen awareness of all of reality, and to choose the good despite the bad.  I am overflowing with gratitude, and it is spilling out as joy.

Today I am in a fabulous mood.   I feel loved.  I am enjoying Facebook and email greetings.  My spouse and kids have the day off, and I woke earlier and got out of the house without having to shoo anyone else along.  I am giving myself a mini-retreat at Starbucks before breakfast.  I am cozy in a purple cable-knit sweater for GLAAD spirit day.  I am thinking about but not worrying about 99% and 53% and all that jazz.  I am loving my friends and counting my blessings.  

I haven't been writing in this blog, and I think I know why.  I blog when I feel secure-- and when I have time.  If I am too busy to blog, I might be cramming too much in.  If all of my writing is happening in my journals or emails, then I must not be ready to share it with the world.  When I am feeling good enough to be authentic AND public, I can blog.  Of course, that means only certain things are shared.  I will experiment for the next month by checking in with myself about Giving what I Crave.  If I am up to posting, I will.  If not, I will consider that a gauge of my self-care and see what I can do differently.

Here's another thing: I keep wanting to control the direction of my blog when it's not meant to be a polished product.  I imagine each post as a collage element about myself and my journey, building up slowly, positioning, rearranging, gluing, and then at some point you will start to see the picture and I will be ready to disclose what Give What You Crave is all about.  The deal is, it's the other way around.  There is already a picture, I am just focusing on different bits at a time, and adding to it.  I don't need to structure it because it will structure itself.  Trying to order things has prevented me from showing you the artwork of my life.  Today I am committing to trusting in the infinite organizing power of the universe, and I am sharing today's corner of the collage with you.

A dear person in my life who is also a reader of my blog, told me my blog is different from most kinds she reads.  I like that.  I have seen all kinds of blogs so I feel like there is nothing new.  But I am increasingly aware that everyone has stories and everyone needs to tell their story.  It pleases me to tell my stories, to my family, friends, and anonymous others.  I don't need to do it in order to fabricate a sense of identity or importance, just as I don't need birthday greetings to celebrate life.  But it helps.