Thursday, October 20, 2011
"This is the day the LORD has made; let us rejoice and be glad in it." Psalm 118:24
Some days are easier to rejoice in than others; today is an easy one for me. I have always enjoyed my birthday. I love having a day that's about celebrating my very existence. I don't think it's selfish. In order to celebrate myself, I have to appreciate life. To feel truly celebratory for my incarnation, I need a keen awareness of all of reality, and to choose the good despite the bad. I am overflowing with gratitude, and it is spilling out as joy.
Today I am in a fabulous mood. I feel loved. I am enjoying Facebook and email greetings. My spouse and kids have the day off, and I woke earlier and got out of the house without having to shoo anyone else along. I am giving myself a mini-retreat at Starbucks before breakfast. I am cozy in a purple cable-knit sweater for GLAAD spirit day. I am thinking about but not worrying about 99% and 53% and all that jazz. I am loving my friends and counting my blessings.
I haven't been writing in this blog, and I think I know why. I blog when I feel secure-- and when I have time. If I am too busy to blog, I might be cramming too much in. If all of my writing is happening in my journals or emails, then I must not be ready to share it with the world. When I am feeling good enough to be authentic AND public, I can blog. Of course, that means only certain things are shared. I will experiment for the next month by checking in with myself about Giving what I Crave. If I am up to posting, I will. If not, I will consider that a gauge of my self-care and see what I can do differently.
Here's another thing: I keep wanting to control the direction of my blog when it's not meant to be a polished product. I imagine each post as a collage element about myself and my journey, building up slowly, positioning, rearranging, gluing, and then at some point you will start to see the picture and I will be ready to disclose what Give What You Crave is all about. The deal is, it's the other way around. There is already a picture, I am just focusing on different bits at a time, and adding to it. I don't need to structure it because it will structure itself. Trying to order things has prevented me from showing you the artwork of my life. Today I am committing to trusting in the infinite organizing power of the universe, and I am sharing today's corner of the collage with you.
A dear person in my life who is also a reader of my blog, told me my blog is different from most kinds she reads. I like that. I have seen all kinds of blogs so I feel like there is nothing new. But I am increasingly aware that everyone has stories and everyone needs to tell their story. It pleases me to tell my stories, to my family, friends, and anonymous others. I don't need to do it in order to fabricate a sense of identity or importance, just as I don't need birthday greetings to celebrate life. But it helps.